Actual Calls Received at a Public Golf Course

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE

Staff:      Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:    What are your green fees?

Staff:     38 dollars.

Caller:   Does that include golf?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:    Yes, I need to get some information from  you.  First, is this your correct phone  number?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:    Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from  Friday. 

               What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:    Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm  running late.  Can you still get me out  early?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:    Yes, do you have one of those areas where you  can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit  them for  practice?

Staff:     You mean a driving range?

Caller:   No, that's not it.

Staff:      Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:    Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between  12 o'clock and noon.

Staff:      Between 12 o'clock and  noon?

Caller:    Yes.

Staff:      We'll try to squeeze you  in.

Staff:      Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:    Do you have any open tee times around 10  o'clock?

Staff:      Yes, we have one at  10:15.

Caller:    What's the next time after that?

Staff:      We have one at 10:22.

Caller:    We'll take that one.  It will be a bit  warmer. 

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   How much to play golf today?

Staff:     25 to walk, 38 with a cart.

Caller:   38 dollars?

Staff:     No, 38 yen.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   What do you have for tee times  tomorrow?

Staff:     What time would you like?

Caller:   What times do you have?

Staff:     What time of the day?

Caller:   Any time.

Staff:     Morning or afternoon?

Caller:   Whenever.

Staff:     We have 16 times open in the morning and 20  open in the afternoon.  Would you like me to read the whole  list?

Caller:   No, I don't think any of those times will work for  me.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   Do you have a dress code?

Staff:     Yes, we do.  We require soft  spikes.

Caller:   How about clothes?

Staff:     Yes, you have to wear  clothes.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range  there?

Staff:     Yes.

Caller:   How much for a bucket of large balls?

Staff:     Sorry, we're all out of large balls.   But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same  price.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?

Staff:     Sure, what time would you  like?

Caller:   Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock.  In  the morning, if possible.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   Do you rent golf clubs there?

Staff:     Yes, they're 25 dollars.

Caller:   How much to rent a bag?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and  told me he's on the 15th hole.  How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range  there?

Staff:     Yes.

Caller:   How much for a large bucket?

Staff:     Four dollars.

Caller:   Does that include the balls?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   Do you have a twilight rate?

Staff:     Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2  o'clock.

Caller:   And what time does that start?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   Yes, I'd like some info about your golf  course.

Staff:     OK, what would you like to  know?

Caller:   I don't know, that's why I  called.

Staff:    Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:  My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and  said they stole them from your driving range.  Would you like to buy  them back?

Email from Stanley Kaufman